Developing A Healthy Self-Regard is not Egotism.
Self-love and self-encouragement are so important to our physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. Yet, the question of what it is to love oneself is not always clear. Is it giving in to the ½ gallon of ice cream, or making it to the gym? And I think many of us struggle toggling between the poles of indulgence and abstinence.
The question may have to do with the “self” part of the equation. We unconsciously accept ourselves as a consistent, self-existing “Me-thing”. But, in truth, we have many selves. These partial-selves can be seen as defensive systems that enact programs of habitual thought and action. Some of these aspects of the self are benign and the attendant programming helpful or innocuous. But some of these defensive selves are rather destructive and self-defeating. The problem is, they all appear as Me, so we assume they are right. For instance, when something happens that we find challenging, we will sometimes feel attacked and evoke the victim-self that has a series of strategies it employs for our survival. There are a host of partial selves that invoke habitual responses that are frequently at odds with our best interests. We hurt those we want to be loved by, or love those that can’t return our love. We employ a host of strategies to try and get what we want. And while some strategies seem to work in the short term, few of these serve our inner growth. We are employing a shifting whack-a-mole defense when life feels threatening. We get lost trying to fix everything.
My meditation teacher would say we are pointing at the world, holding the wrong end of the stick.
In Meditation theory we refer to this complicated process as ego. This is not strictly ego in the Freudian sense, but in meditation theory, ego is self-will run rampant. It is “Me” trying to make “Me” happy. But there is a higher state of being, which is common to all life. Spiritual traditions talk of God, or Goodness, but the feeling of well-being need not be tied to any spiritual tradition. It is simply a feeling of wellness that we feel effortlessly within ourselves. So, rather than tackle the slippery slope of self “love” perhaps we might say that our mental health is predicated upon a sense of self-regard.
We are aware of our being and accept ourselves right now.
In meditation, we are training to be in acceptance of ourselves in the present moment. I say the present moment as opposed to the theoretical moments of our past or projected futures which may or may not meet our approval. The past or the future are fraught with speculation and complication. But how you feel right now – in the present – is the self that meditation practice seeks to contact and develop. By contacting that essential self we build an unconditional confidence. This is a long process that requires patience, and care. But the process is nonetheless quite simple. We return to ourselves in the present by simply being here. This is not the partialized tectonics of our shifting guises, but our true complete being. The way to contact this essential self is to simply return to the present.
Again, and again.
We return to the present with no judgement or elaboration. Just gentle loving acceptance applied as needed. Then questions of “ice cream” or “the gym” are seen as strategies to make “Me” feel better. This implies there is something wrong with me right now, or wrong with the way I feel so I have to change it. This seems to be missing the point. We are pointing the stick in the wrong direction. Rather than fixing ourselves, perhaps we can learn to be with ourselves. In this way, we diminish our partialized defensive postures and begin to make a connection to our full self. Not fixing anything, just getting to know ourselves. The very simple process of coming back to our being in the present moment, again and again, is an act of loving acceptance of ourselves that, in time, breeds confidence.
And confidence that is built upon self-knowing is unconditional confidence. It is not the ephemeral confidence built on material things that come and go. Yes, nice clothing feels good and there is no shame in that. But those clothes will go out of style, our bodies will develop and our minds will change. We can scramble to keep up with trends that we mistakenly feel define us, or we can find something lasting and constant in a feeling of unconditional self-regard. We come to know ourselves just as we are and, in time, well being seems natural.
As consistent daily Meditation practice in time, transforms our partial selves into a comprehensive experience of well-being, we may continue to toggle between our partialized defenses and a grander sense of wholeness. We will be momentarily lost in regret of the past, or delusions of the future, but if we train the mind to recognize this and develop the power of recollection, we return to ourselves in the present.
Recognize, Remember and Return. Then we are holding the stick upright in a statement of our wellbeing. In this way, ice cream and the gym become expressions of our self-regard.
Not fixing but being.
Like dating. If you begin with manipulation, or a defensive posture, you may thwart connection. But if you begin with listening, and being present, the you and they have the time needed to know each other and feel comfortable.
And, who knows, maybe then you might fall in love.
_______________________
This week’s practice suggestion:
Sit in a comfortable posture, which is both connected to the earth in an expression of acceptance while rising upright in an expression of confidence.
Before you start your meditation just be there for a moment. Try to avoid “doing”. Each time you feel you are wasting time or “should” be doing something differently, just notice that and relax back into the moment. Just tell yourself it’s okay to be here with you right now.
Just come back to now without doing or changing.
See what it’s like to just be.
Feel your whole being, and when you’re ready,
step back in your mind and feel yourself in the space around you
If you are anxious, love that. Hold your heart and accept the feeling.
Don’t change anything.
Just come to know you.
You might think – or even say – to yourself “I’m here with you. Thank you for being here with me.”