Compassion is a very large idea. But in order to make it a practical idea, we can see how it can become right-sized. If we conjure images of Mother Teresa, Gandhi or the Dalai Lama we are likely conjuring something inherently out-sized, that we can never attain. These outsized images are not only unrealisitc, they often serve to make us feel small. We have enough in our lives that make us feel defeated. It is important that we learn to stick up for ourselves. If we are making ourselves weak, we are hurting ourselves and helping no one. Thinking it’s up to us to bring peace on earth sounds good, but in reality, it is quite egotistical.
And yet, the world needs our help.
So, how can we make this large picture practical for us? We can begin by loooking at ourselves, as we are. How can compassion make my life a better place? What can I do today to make my life easier and more productive so that I may better serve? This is not selfish, it’s practical. However, trying to make my life better than someone else’s, or a better place for only me and mine, is selfish because it’s narrow minded and myopic. Compassion is developing the tools to care for ourselves so that we can care for other beings. But, we are one of those beings. In fact, until we learn to effectively care for ourselves we will be unable to care for others.
Remember the old trope of the oxygen mask? On board a distressed plane we are instructed to place our own oxygen mask on first before we help our children. This is not selfish, it is practical. From a spiritual point of view, when our life is in distress, it is not selfish to care for yourself. However, it is important to care in helpful and appropriate ways. On a plane in distress we don’t finish our drink first before we help anyone else. Unfortunately, in life, when we are in distress we often similarly grasp for remedies that do not help anyone. We are falling and grabbing at suitcases that only add more weight. There is a difference between helping ourselves to relief and isolation, and helping ourselves so that we can connect to others. This is very important.
Caring for our “inner child” is important in developing the self compassion that lies as the foundation for compassion. Yet is every time our inner child is frightened, we retreat to the bath we are only supporting the bubble bath companies. Our inner-child needs leadership and good parenting. Compassion is developing trust in our executive functioning so we can help ourselves appropriately. Laying in the bath can be a helpful act of self care. But doing this every time we are triggered means we need to care for ourselves in ways that build our resilience. Restoring ourselves is important, but refusing to move on to action only builds insecurity. For compassion to be practical it has to be a living part of our life. Living compassion serves to build our life. It is practical and grounded in humble acceptance. Yet, its possibilities are vast. If we avoid defensive self-centeredness, we can raise our gaze and see that we have a world bigger than we ever thought possible.
If we are grasping to an idea or a concept that is self-aggrandizing, we are adding pressures that are self-defeating. But with humble acceptance of who we are right now we can develop the faith in ourselves to move mountains. Developing a healthy self-regard is not egotism. It is securing the base from which we are able to be of real value to our world. There is nothing, in my experience, more rewarding than genuinely helping someone. And there is nothing, in my experience, more debilitating than grasping for someone’s approval. Faith in ourselves is the proverbial faith of the mustard seed. We are only the size we are. And that is all we need to be to move mountains of doubt.
Self-aggrandizement is natural. But it is limiting because we are clinging to something that is not real. We are building concepts of what we think we should be, rather than discovering who we are. If we imagine ourselves as more than we are, we will always be disappointed. THe same is true of believing we are less-than. The false humility of flogging ourselves for imperfections we perceive is just thinly disguised egotism. “Masochistic narcissism” is when we beat ourselves up over the pain we feel, or that we think others are feeling. We are not helping them by pulling our hair out. We are making ourselves feel important, by making our pain important. “Look at me, my compassion is such that I am crying for the world” is very dramatic. But it is not helping anyone.
Yet, if we accept that we are a work-in-progress then we can learn to gain confidence in ourselves. Self-aggrandizement, like the arrogance it engenders, covers leads to a lack of belief in ourselves. We know inside that we are not the ideal, and so believe we are less than the ideal. But that truth is if we can accept ourselves and vow to discover what we become, we are committing to a path of supporting ourselves. As we develop self-awareness, we naturally gain regard for ourselves. And though this regard for ourselves we begin to see others more clearly. Freed of the veils of defensive self interest we begin to see that we are not as estranged from our world as we had imagined.
By protecting our heart, we are seeing ourselves and learning to see others as family.
Our friend and co-teacher Sarah reminded me today that we are not material beings in a spiritual world, but spiritual beings in a material world. Similarly, we are not selfish beings trying to find compassion. We are compassion itself, working to heal a selfish world. The next time we think we can’t do it, it may be good to know realize that we already are.