Month: November 2022

Developing A Healthy Self-Regard is not Egotism.

Self-love and self-encouragement are so important to our physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. Yet, the question of what it is to love oneself is not always clear. Is it giving in to the ½ gallon of ice cream, or making it to the gym?  And I think many of us struggle toggling between the poles of indulgence and abstinence.

The question may have to do with the “self” part of the equation.  We unconsciously accept ourselves as a consistent, self-existing “Me-thing”. But, in truth, we have many selves. These partial-selves can be seen as defensive systems that enact programs of habitual thought and action. Some of these aspects of the self are benign and the attendant programming helpful or innocuous. But some of these defensive selves are rather destructive and self-defeating. The problem is, they all appear as Me, so we assume they are right. For instance, when something happens that we find challenging, we will sometimes feel attacked and evoke the victim-self that has a series of strategies it employs for our survival. There are a host of partial selves that invoke habitual responses that are frequently at odds with our best interests. We hurt those we want to be loved by, or love those that can’t return our love. We employ a host of strategies to try and get what we want. And while some strategies seem to work in the short term, few of these serve our inner growth. We are employing a shifting whack-a-mole defense when life feels threatening. We get lost trying to fix everything.

My meditation teacher would say we are pointing at the world, holding the wrong end of the stick.

In Meditation theory we refer to this complicated process as ego. This is not strictly ego in the Freudian sense, but in meditation theory, ego is self-will run rampant. It is “Me” trying to make “Me” happy. But there is a higher state of being, which is common to all life. Spiritual traditions talk of God, or Goodness, but the feeling of well-being need not be tied to any spiritual tradition. It is simply a feeling of wellness that we feel effortlessly within ourselves. So, rather than tackle the slippery slope of self “love” perhaps we might say that our mental health is predicated upon a sense of self-regard.

We are aware of our being and accept ourselves right now.

In meditation, we are training to be in acceptance of ourselves in the present moment. I say the present moment as opposed to the theoretical moments of our past or projected futures which may or may not meet our approval. The past or the future are fraught with speculation and complication. But how you feel right now – in the present – is the self that meditation practice seeks to contact and develop.  By contacting that essential self we build an unconditional confidence. This is a long process that requires patience, and care. But the process is nonetheless quite simple. We return to ourselves in the present by simply being here. This is not the partialized tectonics of our shifting guises, but our true complete being. The way to contact this essential self is to simply return to the present.

Again, and again.

We return to the present with no judgement or elaboration. Just gentle loving acceptance applied as needed.  Then questions of “ice cream” or “the gym” are seen as strategies to make “Me” feel better. This implies there is something wrong with me right now, or wrong with the way I feel so I have to change it. This seems to be missing the point. We are pointing the stick in the wrong direction. Rather than fixing ourselves, perhaps we can learn to be with ourselves. In this way, we diminish our partialized defensive postures and begin to make a connection to our full self. Not fixing anything, just getting to know ourselves. The very simple process of coming back to our being in the present moment, again and again, is an act of loving acceptance of ourselves that, in time, breeds confidence.

And confidence that is built upon self-knowing is unconditional confidence. It is not the ephemeral confidence built on material things that come and go. Yes, nice clothing feels good and there is no shame in that. But those clothes will go out of style, our bodies will develop and our minds will change. We can scramble to keep up with trends that we mistakenly feel define us, or we can find something lasting and constant in a feeling of unconditional self-regard. We come to know ourselves just as we are and, in time, well being seems natural.

As consistent daily Meditation practice in time, transforms our partial selves into a comprehensive experience of well-being, we may continue to toggle between our partialized defenses and a grander sense of wholeness. We will be momentarily lost in regret of the past, or delusions of the future, but if we train the mind to recognize this and develop the power of recollection,  we return to ourselves in the present.

Recognize, Remember and Return. Then we are holding the stick upright in a statement of our wellbeing. In this way, ice cream and the gym become expressions of our self-regard.

Not fixing but being.

Like dating. If you begin with manipulation, or a defensive posture, you may thwart connection. But if you begin with listening, and being present, the you and they have the time needed to know each other and feel comfortable.

And, who knows, maybe then you might fall in love.

 

_______________________

 

       This week’s practice suggestion:

 

Sit in a comfortable posture, which is both connected to the earth in an expression of acceptance while rising upright in an expression of confidence.

 

Before you start your meditation just be there for a moment. Try to avoid “doing”. Each time you feel you are wasting time or “should” be doing something differently, just notice that and relax back into the moment. Just tell yourself it’s okay to be here with you right now.

 

Just come back to now without doing or changing.

 

See what it’s like to just be.

 

Feel your whole being, and when you’re ready,

      step back in your mind and feel yourself in the space around you

 

If you are anxious, love that. Hold your heart and accept the feeling.

 

Don’t change anything.

 

Just come to know you.

 

You might think – or even say – to yourself “I’m here with you. Thank you for being here with me.”

The balance of mindful awareness allows us to navigate life and practice.

 

Mindfulness is an overused term these days. It might refer to anything from a meditation practice, to a lifestyle choice, to a fragrance. I wanted to narrow the focus down to a practical application of the term. Mindfulness refers to the natural function of the mind to contact an object in the present moment. MIndfulness allows us a  tactile connection to our world that is psychologically grounding.  

 

In meditation practice, we generally choose an object to be our contact point. Intermittent connection to an object of meditation is a reference that allows our practice to stabilize.  Once we are grounded in the present moment, we are naturally able to relax into the meditation. This relaxation leads to an expansive and open awareness. That open awareness is the source of insight. Yet, that openness is dependent upon the grounding we develop by contacting the present with our mindfulness. The ideal practice situation can be seen as a balance point between mindful contact to the present and a larger sense of awareness around that contact. We are mindful of the breath, but also aware of our body and the space around us.

 

This mindful awareness practice easily translates to life. MIndfulness of the steps we take going down the street, allows us to relax and open to the flow of the traffic around us. In Meditation as in life, this is a balancing act. If we are too nervously connected to our mindful contact, we lose the fun and inspiration of the space around us. The point of a walk is more than our feet on the ground, just as the point of our meditation is more than our breathing. The point of a walk is to get to where you’re going,but also to enjoy the process along the way. The point of our meditation is liberation from the dull authority of our egoic limitations, which is to say, waking up.  But, if we get too fixated on our insights, or become lost in the space around us, we might lose contact with reality and begin to live in our head. Living in our head often translates to falling on our head.

 

So, in meditation, as in life, we are balancing the practical humility of present contact, with a letting go into the space and movement of our process.  It is very much a dance. Like a dancer who trains long hours to gain the muscle memory of the choreographed steps of their piece, the point of the training is to let go into the flow of the music and the performance. Just as the dancer has trained themselves to be mindful of the steps, just so we can train ourselves to be mindful of the moments of our life. While, mindfulness implies the humbleness to be simple and connect to the moment, we need not feel restricted or leaden. That would be like a dancer who just looks down at their feet, never smiling. We have the humbleness to contact the present and the confidence to let go and relax into the space. 

 

The balance point is in the body. I use the heart or the gut as the energetic centers of my meditation. Breathing into the gut is extra grounding. It calms the nervous system which, in turn, allows us to relax into the movement of our practice. The conjoining of Mindfulness and Awareness is an experience of flow;. We are always moving forward in time. It’s a misunderstanding to believe that the present moment is sedentary.  Contacting the present is grounding, yes. But the point of that grounding is to let go into the flow of the practice, just as we let go into the flow of our life.

 

Awareness of life is the point of our practice in the first place. But we can become lost in that space without the grounding contact of our mindfulness. In this way, mindfulness offers the ground that allows the confidence to let go into the enjoyment of the process. In my day, I am aware of balancing between getting lost in the flow, and hence submerged into non-awareness. The remedy is to reconnect to the earth, feel the breathing in the body, and then relax and let go into life.  Mindfulness is not an imprisonment. It’s the intermittent contact to the present that keeps us on course.

INTUITIVE INSPIRATION

Intuitive inspiration refers to bringing our feelings and wisdom into parity. It’s a process of feeling ourselves into wakefulness which is a full application of our mind – or Mindfulness.

 

Being culturally binary, we tend to separate instincts from our higher sensibilities. The gut seems personal and the higher mind universal. But universal wisdom is not always accessible, especially when it’s most needed. Sometimes we need to rely on the guy instinct. When we feel attacked our impulse is to tighten the gut and react. This is not gut knowing, it is defensive reaction. We might punch back, run away, or freeze in place. But reactions happen with our eyes closed. We think we are defending ourselves, but we are usually lashing out blindly in the dark. And blind reactions are rarely an effective defense. Blind reactions are hijacking the mind, not employing its full potential.

 

Meditation training works to create space between impulse and reaction. By recognizing our thinking and returning to the breath, we create space in the mind. This space acts as a buffer that keeps us from blind reactions that intentionally, or unintentionally, cause harm. Instead of blind reaction, we have a gap in which we can open our eyes and be present. This is what is meant by mindfulness. Our mind has enough space to use a fuller capacity to understand what is happening. With mindfulness we are able to respond rather than react. Reactions are often reliving past injuries that have little relevance in the present.

 

But while an honest response happens in the present, we may still feel the residual pain of past experience. If we commit to mindfulness, we can allow gaps created by our meditation experience into our present experience. This gap creates the buffer so we can allow the panic from the gut to inform our present understanding without hijacking our awareness. We can feel our pain without reacting to it.  In this way, we are keeping our eyes open to both our visceral and our higher mind.

 

A word of caution here is that Mindfulness is balancing our lower instinctive mind with our higher wisdom. Should we bypass the lower instincts and grasp on to the higher mind, we are just running away. We are closing our eyes and hoping the universe, god or some powerful entity will save us. This is not accessing our higher mind and is still a reaction that will likely lead to painful situations. Mindfulness, on the other hand, is the practice of combining the wisdom of our higher perceptions with the experience of our past so we can have an intelligent and fully felt experience.

 

Instinct is wisdom that comes from is our personal experience as well as the collective experience of humanity. There is a lot of helpful information here which is nonetheless mixed in with personal trauma and confusion. This is why we need the higher perceptions of wisdom mind to help clarify the experience. In a state of non-reactivity, we can “feel” our intellect and “see” our feelings.  With Mindfulness our gut and our mind combine for a fuller interpretation of an experience. Accessing intuition requires feeling in to our experience, and accessing wisdom is an act of letting go. Touching in and letting go.

 

In the Shambhala Tradition we call this “Joining Heaven and Earth.”  We are grounded in past experience and inspired by the possible. You might say, Mindfulness is awareness of present moment that is informed by the past, but also open to the future. We feel the gut, and we let go into the possibilities beyond. In this way, our experience is quite regal. We are grounded and aware. A good ruler is one who is in touch with the present needs of the people, but also has awareness to move them forward. In traditional Indian Buddhism, meditation was likened to the gait of an elephant. Strong, definite, and grounded, but with a panoramic awareness of life around it. A Wisdom Monarch is strong and grounded and both nurturing and protective to their tribe.

 

When we are joining heaven and earth, we have natural leadership. And while this can mean leadership of our world or society, it most importantly means leadership of our personal mind in every moment. When we feel in and open out, we join heaven and earth, and access the kindness to nurture ourselves and the wisdom to see beyond to liberation.

 

Another week.  And whether it’s pushing through the same old grind, or a critical mass coming to a head on our head, we frequently look at our week as if it requires heroic doses of caffeine just to face the face in the mirror.  Along with stimulants, we kick ourselves into gear with any manner of sloganning. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life!” “It all starts now!” “I gotta do it!” “Just do it!” “I can do i!” Sure,. I just need more discipline.

No wonder a part of us wants to stay in bed.

 

This conventional way of looking a discipline would be fine if we were living in a TV commercial. But we are more than 2-dimensional caricatures of ourselves. We are full beings with a full scope of feelings ideas and needs. We have many important voices within us.  A part of us wants to move forward, while another part is eyeing the cozy unmade bed.

But Monday is and a perfect time to look at life and how a meditator can look at their discipline and work ethic – from the point of view of the Dharma. Taking a Dharmic approach begins with acceptance and self-connection. Before we rush out the door and push ourselves into a life some parts of ourselves are still resisting, we can pause and be with ourselves for a moment. Whether that is meditation, prayer or contemplation a moment of acceptance allows us to synchronize with our whole being. It’s possible that all the opinions will not reach agreement, but our meditation is a way of engaging an executive voice that can organically lead the process. With kindness, evenness and non-judgement we can encourage ourselves forward. Instead of dragging ourselves kicking and resisting, or conflating our experience into platitudes, we can synchronize with ourselves with a kindness and care that addresses our full being.

In Meditation theory we call this addressing our body, spirit and mind. And that connection to our whole being leads us to the practice of the Paramitas. Paramita refers to an action that “goes beyond” the 2-dimensional conflated sloganning we conventionally employ.  A paramita is said to be a “transcendent” activity that goes beyond ego. Generosity, Patience, Discipline, Effort, Meditation and Wisdom are six categories of practice that are foundational to the Mahayana Buddhist path. These differ from the standard readings of these words, as Paramita is a transcendent activity.  The paramita of discipline, or Sila in Sanskrit, is transcendent discipline. It goes beyond self-defeating puynishment or expectation which is in service to our overbearing egos. Transcendent discipline begins with the heart, continues with encouragement and ends with a connection to our world that is helpful and kind.

So, instead of beating ourselves up and then taking it out on everyone else we are employing mindfulness and awareness which leads to an action that benefits our world. But right action in the world begins with connecting to ourselves. They say that the Mahayana Dharma is vast and profound. Profound in that we connect deeply within ourselves and vast in the expansive ways we can reach out to others. In a very basic binary, when we are kind to ourselves we can be naturally generous to others. When we are understanding of ourselves, we can be patient with others.  When we are clear with ourselves, we can be helpful to others. When we have discipline without aggression, we can be effective in our world.

Today, Dharmajunkies moves back to Mondays, and tomorrow we have an election. It’s a perfect time to engage our life and synchronize with our higher purpose. Sarah C. Whitehead will lead us in a deep dive discussion of Sila: The Practice of Transcendent Discipline.