Month: December 2022

Posted on by joseph mauricio

UNPACKING THE REACTION

UNPACKING THE REACTION: Deconstructing Shenpa

I am writing this on boxing day.  In some traditions, today is the day set aside to unpack the last of the holiday presents and remove the boxes, or perhaps repack the boxes and return the gifts.  In any event, I thought it an appropriate time to discuss opening the present of our life by unpacking our reactions to the triggers in our life.

Much of our life experience is hidden from us by a process Buddhists refer to as clinging. This clinging, along with family members attachment and addiction, get us stuck in the flow of life. We tend to grab on to the things we like. We also like hating the things we don’t like and so cling to liking not liking. Buddhists say desire precedes attachment. But desire is not a problem when it ripens into appreciation, which has the largess of opening into the event.  Desire becomes problematic when we shut down into an ownership, appropriation, or objectification of the object of desire – we are objectifying that to which we cling.

We cling to things that provoke us in ways that are positive, negative, or neutral.  It’s easy to see how we might cling to the things that attract us, but we also cling to not wanting things we don’t like. And some of us drama junkies will cling to not wanting the experience of nothing happening. “Argh! This is too peaceful.”  And we will pull some drama out of a hat instead of waiting for that shoe to drop. At least then we’re in control of our suffering.

Suffice to say, we will cling to anything – whatever is in reach – in order to maintain feeling in control. We will cling to pain because it’s familiar, and familiarity offers a sense of being in control. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Control rests on awareness. But the knee-jerk reaction of clinging is entirely blind. It feels like clinging happens to us. Pema Chodron popularized the term “shenpa”.  Shenpa classically refers to clinging and attachment. Pema interprets shenpa experientially as “hooked” because that is the feeling associated with it. We have lost control and are pulled away.

Attachment is when our clinging has added emotional, environmental, or psychological ties. 12-step communities refer to “people places and things” as providing support for addiction. Attachment can be seen as the maturation of clinging, which was the ripening of our initial desire. I’ve identified a spectrum of attachment in my personal experience: perception > objectification > desire (toward or away from the object) > attachment > addiction.

The objectification stage is important as it is the activation of the dualistic barrier of our ego system. We stop seeing the wholeness of the other – and our dynamic relation to it – turning it instead into a solid thing.

Like many of us attached to people, places, or things, our attachment feels compulsory. We rarely notice our becoming attached.  We don’t seem to be choosing anything at all.  Instead, it feels like we are snagged into a series of events. We don’t see this process because we are fixated on the object of our desire. Therefore, Pema refers to attachment as being “hooked” because that how it feels and how it feels gives us a way in to unpacking the process. We become hooked when we are triggered. If we look at it this way, we can see the mechanics of the compulsion. When hooked by shenpa, we become glued to the object and blinded by desire. We cling with our eyes shut as though grasping at straws to save ourselves. This is the moment we turn away from ourselves and lash out to find safety. Sometimes it is one and done, but sometimes it becomes a trope we return to whenever we are threatened. And if we return to the event enough, our bodies will begin to need the feelings we evoke in association – we become addicted to the feelings associated with our shenpa.

At the base of this system lies a desperate sense of panic born of need. One remedy for these moments of gripping obscuration is to preemptively shore up the feelings of need that allow us to be vulnerable to the triggering. Each time we return to the breath in our meditation we are returning to ourselves. If we do so lovingly, without judgment, we are building a healthy relationship with ourselves that supports our emotional immune system. We need not feel embarrassed to employ self-love or feel as though it is “not Buddhist” to love ourselves. It is not Buddhist to remain ignorant of ourselves and cling to everything that shines in the water around us. It is not Buddhist to ignore how we cause ourselves and each other pain.

The method for unpacking shenpa is to build our connection to our basic goodness prophylactically on the cushion. But then, on the spot, recognizing as we become hooked during our day. Then with acceptance that we are human and addicted to the drama, we can unpack the event by coming back to what is actually happening in our body. Investigating when we are hooked and how it feels. Is my body changing, gripping, tightening? Is my posture changing, becoming defensive or avoidant? Is my mind racing away in an evasive maelstrom? But then to relax past the gripping affliction and open into nurturing ourselves with love and forgiveness.

Opening the present, is letting go of the cycle of shenpa wherever, whenever we can and unpacking the conflict and experiencing what is actually happening. In a treatise on romantic love Trungpa, Rinpoche explained that when a couple are fighting, reality is not the logic they are throwing back at each other. Reality is that they are not noticing the color of their eyes. So fixated on being right, they are not remembering they love each other.

It is my wish that we learn to unpack the aggression of our drama and remember to let go and open to love.

 

Here is a practical contemplation for the remedy:

Open the tense blockages in the body, by coming back to the breath ad releasing the places we are wounding ourselves with tension. Let go of the residual emotional feelings. We are not right. We are in defensive reactivity. Just let go and let be.

Stop the narrative, which is comprised of rational lies that support our blind reaction. Stop the fixation on the object, or event. Put down the hook, the drink, the rage, the avoidant reaction just for a moment. Just step back. You are frightened. Just stop the fantasy and feel into the gripping body beneath. Pema says we are “learning to stay.”  

Drop down into our physical experience and feel our body’s actual reaction.  This is happening in the present and coming into the present, we turn away from our reactions to the past. How am I feeling as I bite the hook? And even if you cannot stop, you will dampen the experience for yourself. And the work is to come back. You are frightened. Come back until you can stay with the feeling without the endotrophic medicating of our clinging. Again, Pema says, we are “learning to stay.”  

Then return to the flow of our breathing, walking or working. Return to now and resume life already in progress. I like to think of this as coming back to the rhythm. Back to the flow, like a river rushing past the dam, or the Beatles resting on Ringo’s perfect timing or you returning to your basic goodness.

 

Posted on by joseph mauricio

GRATITUDE – The Path to Spiritual Wellness

The Path to Spiritual Wellness is paved in gratitude. ‘Tis the season. Fa-la-la…

But why does the joy I am encouraged to feel during the holidays make me lonely, tired, and stressed out?  The warmth of Christmas often competes for my brain space with sadness and worry.  Appreciation for what I actually do have becomes upstaged by things I imagine I don’t have.

There are people I’ve lost, places I will never see, and many, many things I cannot afford. In the waning light of the season, it’s easy to take false refuge in shadows that erode my wellbeing. When that begins to happen – just as the shadows begin to creep in, is a very good time to remember my actual vow of refuge, which is to turn my mind from self-centered thinking toward gratitude and compassion. I try to remind myself that with all I’ve lost, never had, or will not attain, what I do possess right now is the power to change my mind.  I can turn my mind to see beyond the traps of doubt and resentment to the goodness of the world I have. Gratitude practice is not just a nice thing to do, it actually changes the way the mind works. This season is a challenging time, and so I am committing to gratitude practice every morning to bolster my spiritual health.

It is interesting to see how gratitude actually changes the functioning of the brain. The power of gratitude to alter mood is similar to exercise. It’s so simple and has such a demonstrative effect, but like working out or taking a brisk walk, I sometimes fall out of shape and have resistance to the effort. On those days, I find it helpful to gently push myself toward a practical expression of mental health. In this way, I find gratitude sometimes takes a bit of effort. It’s so much easier to remain in the shadows of my habitual thinking when I am feeling low. So, making a gentle commitment to daily gratitude practice makes it easier to access the tools that make my mind an easier place to be.

But why is it so easy to fall into the dark? The dark shapes in my shadowed thinking keep me locked away from my life. Some of my favorite go-tos are judgement and envy. It’s easy for me to feel envious of the fact that others seem to have more than I do, more love, more family, more joy. I compare myself and feel less than less-than. On the other hand, to protect against that, I’ll judge everyone and everything. I adopt a cynical posture toward the season. Feeling superior to a those I desperately want connection to give me a false sense of protection. This ‘false refuge’ seems to protect me from being let down or hurt. But why am I assuming I will be rejected?

And who is actually making me feel less-than?

Am I the one letting myself down? Am I shutting out my life by refusing to join the party as I find fault in everything? When I look past my protective shadows, I see that false superiority and envious resentment are two sides of the coin of feeling “less than.”  And indulging these defenses – such as creating a list of “harms against me” – only encourages that feeling. In order to hide from feeling badly, I make myself feel worse. This woe-is-me syndrome might work for Wednesday Addams (as it seemed to for me at her age) but this game is just cringe at this point. It’s time to turn my mind away from obsession with its shadows, doubt and lack. It’s time to join my own party, already in progress.

When I feel into my defensive posturing, I see that underneath I am fearful and insecure. Instead of loving myself, I spend the mental energy building a case to support this feeling of being not enough. Isn’t creating a list of harms I perceive to have received only creating a world of contention and dis-ease in my life? And what does this do to my sense of wellness?  But, if creating mental lists of what don’t have supports my sense of lack, then maybe the opposite would hold in terms of building spiritual fitness. Maybe remembering the riches, I ignore while complaining would help to build a sense of confidence. Maybe this would support spiritual wellness.

Spiritual wellness is a sense of wellbeing based on our connection to our basic goodness. It is not based on the material things that feel good for a time. It is a connection to our heart that allows us to uplift our spirits in a natural way. But what happens when our mood is low and we fall into anhedonia, which is the inability to feel joy? Material things are fine in the moment, but they can sometimes make things worse. Spiritual health is based on behavior. What am I doing to enhance my sense of wellbeing? Working out a bit, helps to move the mind out of the funk of its shadowed thinking. And doing this in spite of feeling unhappy actually works better than thinking through it. Just taking a walk or stretching a bit change how the mind works. This may not affect my finances or social status, it may not make me less lonely, but it always changes how my mind processes these things.

Like working out, small increments of gratitude practice on a daily basis help to keep up spiritual fitness. This is true any day, but especially on the days I “don’t wanna”. That gentle push to remember the things I have that mean so much keeps me from falling into the shadows of “woe me” thinking. It’s like spiritual aerobics. And no matter how I felt before, I always feel uplifted afterward.

Taking the time to remember the things we have in our life that we value is healing emotionally, but it also creates a physical experience of wellness in our nervous system. And it reminds us of all the things we are missing by locking ourselves into the negative. Life is short. It’s time for me to remember the goodness of this life whether I want to or not.

 

Practice suggestion: 

While making a list of the things we value in our life is a helpful step in turning the mind, it is only our first step.

  1. Make a brief list of a few people, places, feelings or things in life for which you are grateful
  2. Take one and remember it for a moment or two.
  3. Then place your hand over your heart and feel the feelings associated with these thoughts.
  4. Then drop your hand, and your thoughts, and sit for a moment.
  5. Do this for the next item on your list.

Remember to make this easy and light. Be careful not to overtrain. We don’t need to regard everything good in our life today only to exhaust the process tomorrow. Remember this is about training the mind.

Do this every day for a committed period of time as a daily morning practice. Try it for a week or 10 days and see if you get any insight into how to keep spiritually fit.

 

 

 

Posted on by joseph mauricio

BECOMING YOUR BEST NON-SELF

Ego is a term used to indicate an aspect of our psychology that we identify as “me”.  However, on closer inspection, there seem to be a number of “me’s” that we employ – and believe – depending on our circumstance. There is the me that I find at work, the me that I feel when relaxing, the me that meditates and the me that can’t sit still.

 

These self-identities are important to our emotional and social wellbeing. They offer a reference point from which we can communicate to our milieu.  Psychologists label a “strong sense of self” as being important to create healthy relationships in life.  As ego states are defined partially by the specific situations to which they are linked, a healthy sense of ego, it would seem, is one in which we do not cling too tightly or believe too literally.  Looking closely to their make up we see that these ego states are comprised of habitual patterns or behaviors. Each particular ego state is like a program that employs a series of functions.  Frequently these disparate selves lie in dissonance to one another.  For instance, the child self may behave differently than the adult self. This dissonance becomes conflict when we cling to the identity. We cling so tightly that we don’t see around ourselves. We are like fish who don’t recognize that water we live in. It becomes an ocean of “Me”.  We sometimes believe there is only Me and whatever we are going through. In this way, inflamed ego states are essentially narcissistic.

 

The tighter we cling to these ego states the more inflamed they become and the more real  they feel. This self-clinging causes obscurations in our ability to see, and understand, others.  The more pressure we feel in life, the tighter we cling to our identities, the less we understand what is going on around us. As we do this, the habit patterns associated with those identities become ingrained in us. The fact that these identities are not consistent, doesn’t seem to sway us.  Lost in the moment “who I am” becomes all important.

 

As we develop mindful awareness in meditation practice, we begin to see the space around “Me”. In time, we awaken into the water of context – we become aware. This awareness allows us to understand that these identification states are fictitious. As compelling as they feel, ego states are merely comprised of patterns.  And as we develop awareness, we develop the ability to choose which of these patterns we find helpful and when to employ them. In this way, we become freed of the grip of self-identification. Or, as is said, we become free of the bondage of self.

 

From a Buddhist perspective, the problem is not ego – or the sense of self, itself.  The issue is our clinging to the sense of self. This clinging is what creates our imprisonment. The tighter we cling to this provisional identity, the stronger the patterns are, and the more limiting those patterns become.  As these patterns happen unconsciously, we don’t see our self-clinging, but believe we NEED whatever it is we think will protect “ME.”  We compulsively cling to objects in our environment that we feel will enhance or protect our sense of self. BUt, of course we don’t see this. We only see the things we think we want. That hamburger, that lovely piece of jewelry, that person who looked our way.  We mistakenly believe that the things to which we cling will protect us. We miss the fact that at the core of this process we are clinging to our ego. As our ego state isn’t actually there, we ultimately feel bereft and this drives our compulsion further.

 

The more empty we feel, the more we cling to things we believe will fill us. And the tighter we cling, the less we see. The less we see, the more imprisoned we are in the limiting patterns of “Me”.  Our ego is no longer a device to secure us socially, but has become a series of patterns that we employ without conscious consent.

 

Meditation practice is the practice of training the mind to see the space around itself. And, it allows us to connect to an essential sense of wellbeing. As we return to the breath, we are returning to our heart. As we return to the heart, we are building a connection to ourselves that strengthens us. This unconditioned confidence is a sense of wellbeing that is not dependent on clinging. In fact, it is radiant. Rather than continually taking from life, we are able to give back.

 

When we develop the confidence of self-awareness, we are free of the bondage of self. We have less need to cling to ourselves and everything around us, as if we are drowning. Liberation in meditation means freedom from the compulsive attachment to the limiting patterns of “Me”. In truth, we are much more than our fear based beliefs. We are capable of great love.  Feeling love for ourselves is not egotistical. It is an appropriate non-codependent action that reinforces our essential sense of wellbeing and diminishes the need for clinging.  Rather than blindly gripping to self, offering ourselves  self-love and radiating that love to others, gives us the confidence to see past our defensive and limiting patterns.

 

For me, this process has begun to feel light and free. As there is less to defend, there is so much more to enjoy. The less “Me” there is in my life, the more life there is for me to live.