CREATING THE SAFE SPACE OF LOVINGKINDNESS
Living in turbulent times we sometimes find it challenging to remain present. This may be because living in our turbulent minds it’s equally hard to be present. Yet remaining present is the key to actually participating in life. Life is significantly more rewarding when we are an active part of it. Significant pathologies exist when we withdraw isolation from our lives. On the other hand, connection can be seen as its antidote. Connection to each other, connection to our world, and connection to ourselves, though sometimes challenging, is what heals.
However, remaining present opens us to a lot of pain. If we are willing to be active participants in our life, we are opening ourselves up to suffering, irritation, and frustration. These days life is acutely panic inducing. Who needs horror movies when we can watch CNN? “War and rumors of war”. With climate change, poverty, the rise of racist populism, it feels like Armageddon. Armageddon as told by Steven King. Horror novels, stories and movies have long served a purpose in society as a way of fictionalizing the societies current anxieties. In this way, we were distant enough to feel like we had control. In the 50’s radioactive monsters helped to work out society’s anxiety over the bomb. Throughout the years Hollywood served as therapist to process fear over alien invasion in the 60’s, mind control in the 70’s, and random homicides in the 80’s. The 90’sbrought the immense popularity of vampires and zombies and it seemed we were working through our fear of death itself. Currently, true crime and crime procedurals are all the rage.
Why would we bother with the walking dead or dateline when we can just look out the door or even into our own bedrooms? Maybe because when we know it’s “only a movie” we feel protected. But, when it’s real life, our own government under siege, our forests burning, and our own life threatened, there is no buffer. Or maybe we create that buffer by blame. ‘Climate change is a leftist conspiracy. ‘Crime is due to immigrants.’ Maybe it’s the left, or maybe it’s the right. But blame often does what movies do. It distances us with fiction.
Our human race is suffering at an alarming rate. How can we remain sane? Do we compartmentalize our compassion and caring only for our own neighborhoods? What happens when our neighborhood is under attack? Historically, nations fall when people stop looking. The royalty look the other way while people are starving at their gates. Hospitals give sub-standard service to those who cannot pay, good-minded people throughout history have turned their eyes from the persecution of their own acquaintances in order to live in the bubble they have created. We turn off the news when it’s about Gaza again. We’re tired of Sandy Hook. It’s too much already. There must be someone to blame. Poor Lucifer. He gets kicked out of paradise and then blamed for everything we do.
But blame is blind. And if we are to wake up in our life, blindness is a problem. How can we stay present, and still remain healthy and sane? We are all victims to the vicious ignorance of the times. But we need not be defeated. It is important that we remain engaged, and yet protected from the suffering. If we are defeated by our feelings, then we are no help to anyone. The development of True Compassion is key. “True” Compassion is not the dissociative grasp of wishful thinking (“it’ll all be good in the end”) nor the self-immolating hand wringing of narcissistic masochism (“it’s all so horrible it’s all about me”). True Compassion is effective caring. It is effective because it is present and realistic. It is caring that is actually helpful, which is about balance. So, how can we stay empathetic and remain balanced? Meditation theory would suggest that being fully present is key. Not just mentally present but being present in body and spirit as well as our mind. It does little good to force our mind to be compliant when our heart is aching, And, as we know from meditation training, we don’t force ourselves into the present, especially when the present is not a place that’s easy to be, but we train our mind to return to the present. “When you lose our mind, come back” my teacher says. We can do this without recrimination or judgement. Of course we might run away from pain. But, in order to transform that pain into a healthy connection, we can gently guide ourselves back. But this is most effective if we address our full being. Our body and spirit as well as our mind. The mind will not stay present for long while the body is tapping its toes urging us to run.
In order to develop true compassion, we train in the 3 essentials. Body, mind, and heart. We train mind to remain watchful, the heart to be empathetic, and the body to be free of self-affliction. My teacher says, “may my body be firm, my heart be open, and my mind awake.” This seems a tall order, but in fact, it gives us 3 ways to work with being present. Firmness of body means that we are aware when our body unconsciously tightens in anxious pain. We often clench too quickly to avoid this, but we don’t have to fix ourselves there. We can train to come back and be present and that awareness cuts the momentum of unconscious panic. Our breaking heart does not have to break us. It can remind us of our humanity. When we become aware of our own pain, we are reminded that we are human and it’s okay to be here. Our raging fearful mind can learn to quiet itself and see clearly. Instead of looking for a solution, or fabricating an answer to an overwhelming life problem, we can remember it may not be our job to fix anything. Instead of looking to fix what we imagine, we can remember to see what is. Body relaxed, heart open and mind awake. That is the 3 bodies of a buddha. The two keys here are remembering to return and knowing we don’t have to fix anything or anyone. Nor do we have to fix ourselves. We can train to relax and be.
This post is about the practical difference between action and reaction. When we are provoked, stimulated or triggered the mind quickly engages and wants to then enlist the body in action. The mind, for all its potential, is fundamentally a defensive tool. It enabled us to out-strategize and out-maneuver predators. And once securing our safety, this instinctive mind turned to conquering its own prey. Fearful and yet on the attack. This vicious cycle of life is programmed deeply within us in order to protect us and to ensure the procreation of our race. And it has worked well. Humans have become the most successful species on the planet. We are so high atop the food chain we have only ourselves to consume. However, we also eat our vegetables, as we are devouring the planet and its forests, as well. We have survived! But surviving is not thriving. Our reactive / defensive mind has kept us alive, but for what purpose and at what cost? If our life’s purpose is to keep alive then all we have to look forward to is fear.
Surviving can be seen as the reactive defensive mind’s preeminent purpose. Thriving, on the other hand, is when the mind has the ability to relax and open enough to respond to life. Defensive mind is about separation and rejection. Thriving mind is about connection and conversation. In a conversation or communication with life, we are empowering the mind’s higher purpose. The defensive mind is here to protect our higher being. However, if protection is all we have then reaction is our only option and reaction happens so quickly so reflexively so immediately that we’re actually stuck in a limited binary black and white movie. While the defensive mind is necessary, it is not intended to lead us. We are destined to much more. With mind training, our body learns to pause the process of impulse / reaction long enough to create space for our higher mind, and its executive functions to open and see.
Training in the 4 foundations of mindfulness, body spirit, mind, and life, allows us to recognize when we are out of balance. When we are out of balance, we are like an American football quarterback throwing off their back foot. Our inaccurate desperation throws might randomly land, but likely won’t. When we are reacting, our eyes are closed. We are squinting and hoping for the best. The antidote to this panic / reaction is employing meditation training to offer us the gentle space of Lovingkindness. We are learning to not push anything away. We are learning to recognize our triggers not reacting. THIS IS ACTUALLY HUGE! Most of the time we don’t have to do anything at all, but be present. In this way, we are training ourselves to smile openly at the edges of life. Our fear is there to protect us – not control us.
The key is developing surety in our commitment to remain present whenever we can and to return as quickly as we can when we are not. The gentle insistence is how we combat the aggression of our world. Does that sound impractically pollyannaish? Confucius would remind us that the gentle persistence of the river will cut through a mountain over time.
Just come back. Don’t be forced by the body. Just come back. Don’t be fooled by the mind. Just come back. Don’t be broken by the heart. Just come back. Come back here to life in all its truth, whenever you can, as often as you can. In this way, it is inevitable that, in time, you will also see the great good in your life.
Maybe returning to the present in troubled times, is our payment for receiving life’s blessings.