Landing Back to Earth
Walking the emotional gauntlet of the holiday season is challenging. The 
holidays are often described as loving and warm, but it can also feel cold and threatening.
Incidents of familial violence and self-harm spike during this time. Perhaps we try hard to please those we love. Maybe we get caught up in competition over how much we can give. Or perhaps we feel anxious about our financial security and our ability to be generous and offer ourselves to others. Maybe we fall into the trap of need, looking with avarice at all the shining bobbles. Even when we have much for which to feel grateful, sometimes home is where the hurt is.
What does it mean to come home for the holidays when we don’t feel safe at home at any time. And maybe if we don’t feel safe at home, we never feel safe anywhere. What does it mean to offer kindness and love to others when we don’t feel those things for ourselves? We often create more hardship by failing to include ourselves in the love we want to extend. How I feel about myself is no one’s fault. It is, however, my responsibility. How I feel about myself reflects how I feel about the life I live, the world I inhabit, the home I create and the love I extend to others.
Traditional Buddhism teaches about 6 realms of existence from hell to God realms. Yet, the human realm is said to be the most rewarding and the most challenging as humans have the ability to achieve and realize so much and yet that very possibility gives us a sense of unease, expectation, and demand. because we see the possibility, we believe our lives should be bigger, grander, and better. Buddha suggested that the root of our suffering lies in non-acceptance of what our life actually is. And acceptance of our life begins with acceptance of ourselves.
It is not selfish to care for ourselves, especially when this enables us to care for others. Yet, caring for ourselves is not mindlessly grasping for everything we think we want. Because the more we want, the more we need. It’s as though the universe only understands verbs. We pray, “I want this” and “I want that”, but the universe only hears “want, want, want.” So, it sends us more wanting. And the more we want, the less we feel we have. As we cling to the ephemeral, we end up judging life by what we don’t have.
Yet, despite whatever it is we want today, humans need peace, comfort, and kindness everyday. This sustenance may be closer than we realize. But it cannot be realized through grasping, competition, coveting or creating internal pressure around what we think others think. Those ploys only leave us bereft. If I believe that I am worthless—or less worthy than anyone else—then what value can I offer to others? I can only offer my need. “You didn’t call me back”, “you didn’t get my joke”, “You don’t get me.” , “Goddamnit, does anyone get me?” No one gets anyone as their too busy trying to get for themselves. No one wants to prop us up indefinitely. While some may be willing to try, no one is comfortable with the feeling of indebtedness that comes from holding us together. And it does us no good.
But maybe we can find a way to hold ourselves together.
This holiday season, instead of looking to external sources to fill our needs, perhaps we could begin by turning inward. My mother, after being divorced by my father, lived a very modest life. She often lived with others in places that were never truly her own. At one point, we were roommates in a beautiful little home on a river in Colorado, but it was never truly hers. Eventually, she found a humble home behind the most popular bar in town, where drunks stumbled around at night to the sounds of country blues and fist fights.
Despite this, she made that small place her home, furnishing it with second-hand furniture and Walmart discount items. Her heart, her acceptance of others, and her warmth filled that little home. Anyone was welcome. And I dragged some characters through. People would visit—many of whom had greater means than she — and would leave feeling enriched. Even when space was tight, she would welcome everyone, “As long as there’s floor space.” At times, the house was so crowded with animals, guests, and family that it was hard to find that floor space. Yet, no matter how uncomfortable everyone felt comfortable. Over the years, people kept coming back to her home because they felt the love.
Certainly, there have been grander expressions of love throughout history: Helen of Troy, whose face launched a thousand ships; Poe’s dark yearning for his Annabel Lee; F. Scott’s stumbling drunken pursuit of Zelda. Juliette and her Romeo. But sometimes, it’s the quiet moments of affection—a drooling cat kneading biscuits on your chest—that are the most healing. But, it’s not the cat that heals us. It is the power of our affection and connection to our heart. That is how we create a home no matter where we are. It’s not the cat’s responsibility; it’s ours. We have the power to heal ourselves through kindness and affection. Then we can welcome others.
When the Buddha attained enlightenment his profound sense of peace drew others to him. After years of searching and training, the Buddha finally sat down, exhausted, and gave up all concepts, all material desires, and all yearning. When everything settled, he connected to the earth and found profound enlightenment. His contentment was radiant and animals and people alike were drawn to his peace. When asked who he was, he simply replied, “I am awake.” A skeptic asked how he could prove this. Buddha simply touched the earth. “The earth is my witness, ” he said.
In this moment, right here and now, we can be at home. In this moment, right here and now, we can welcome our world. In this very moment, we can drop the anxiety of wanting more and find peace in who we are.
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