LEARNING TO LET GO

LEARNING TO LET GO. Letting go is a topic I can’t seem to let go of. An essential tool in the meditator’s kit, it is said that it is always appropriate to let go. But, as I keep hearing it from different perspectives, letting go seems to mean different things with many applications. As the meditator seeks to train mind toward serenity and wisdom, it may be helpful to first look at what interpretations of letting go are not helpful to that end. For instance, it is easy to misunderstand letting go to mean we are “getting rid of,” “pushing away” or “ignoring something”. Acts of aggression create struggle in the mind and are therefore not effective ways to develop awareness.

Nerdy background: The primary antagonist to our mental well-being is attachment. When we are experiencing pain the problem lies not in the object of our ire, but in our attachment to ridding ourselves from the discomfort we are experiencing. Whe

n we have a pain in our stomach it is not the fault of the stomach. Pain is often a necessary wake up call to an issue that needs our attention, and even our love. The problem lies when we feel anger, depression or aggression toward the wound. Wounds need love and caring to heal. But aggression of any sort comes from clinging to our anger and hatred. Life is often uncomfortable. That discomfort becomes painful when we refuse to accept what is actually happening. If clinging to our pain is problematic, the antidote to attachment lies in acceptance.

Letting go is acceptance. Acceptance is an act of love.

In many cases, pushing something away only makes attachment stronger. When we let go of worrying about paying bills we may find a momentary respite, but the bills are still there, perhaps with added interest. From a meditator’s perspective, letting go is not pushing away, nor is it denial. It is definitely not the struggle that ensues when we try and rid an idea from our mind or the bills from our table.  We can’t change the world by letting go of our obligations. But we can let go of the attachment to wanting tigs to be different than they are. We can change our relationship to causing pain for ourselves and others by recognizing and releasing attachment and accepting what is happening. Attachments are one thing we can change. We do this by literally releasing our grip. Releasing our attachment is a visceral / somatic experience and can take some effort. While the pressures of the world or an argument with a loved one may feel unt

enable, releasing our attachment is very practical if we train our mind to do so.

Practice: Training the mind to be able to recognize and release attachment takes time and effort. The primary function is an almost mechanical releasing of our grip. This is why the simple, repetitive and, yes, boring, action of returning to the breathing in our meditation is the cornerstone of our healing. By doing the practice, we are re-training our minds to recognize mental attachments and release them back to the breath. This is the practical template for  letting go.

Application: Now, if that is the practice, let’s look at the ac

 

tion. Letting go is releasing our grip on attachment. But the grip of clinging is panic based. It is not easy to dislodge ourselves from the struggle. It is important to know that this attachment is not our fault. However, it is an opportunity to learn to let go. Learning to let go is a tool we can use often in our life and practice. Whenever we are stuck in a thought or feeling an emotion we can’t be rid of, we actually can just stop. We can pause. Once we’ve allowed a gap we might be able to step back and recognize that this experience is not about the object of our pain. It is about the action of gripping. I am holding on. The all-important next step is acceptance.

I accept that I am triggered and only I can release this.

Acceptance is not agreeing. Its understanding. I’m struggling, but everybody does this. No matter what anyone has done or said, I am the one gripping, grasping and causing myself pain. And when we accept

 

that, we can accept that we can change the situation by physically letting go and regaining our emotional balance. Then we understand the pain is not about us, or them, or anything external. It’s about basic human fear of things we cannot change and creating tension in mind and body in reaction. This is non-acceptance.

 

So, how do we accept something we don’t want? We acknowledge it’s not our fault and in fact, boycott any fault. Finding fault keeps us from letting go. The story may be true, but retelling the story keeps us locked in turmoil. So, let go of the stories, and stop hurting yourself. Release your grip on the struggle. Rather than pushing anything away we can release our grp with (self)love. Like Banksy’s image of letting go of a heart balloon. We simply open our heart and our mind and offer our anger, disappointment or insult into space. Our emotions are not

 

the issue but they are complicating the issue. Once we release our grip we can see the issue clearly with understanding eyes.

The 12-step systems say “let go and let God.” I think you also could say “let go with love” and allow that kindness to open into positive possibilities.  When I am able to let go in love I’m sometimes left with a flash of insight. This feels divine. It’s like touching in to  heaven’s grace. When we let go with love, we might feel held in the arms of love. Then we might see the issue for a grander perspective. We might see as our higher power sees. That grander perspective is compassion. Letting go into the space of love we realize none of this is about us. Then the next question is how can I not add to the pain. When someone needs to hear our feedback, then can we let go, step back and address the issue in a way that’s actually effective. 

When there is anything in life that we need to addre

 

ss, we can renounce re-acting in aggression, come back into balance and take whatever time we need to return to serenity before we respond. From there we can look at the issue from the loving eyes of wisdom. We can see things as our higher power sees them.

 

A guiding rule is when we are anxious, angry, tense or out of balance we would do well to pause. When we are composed, open and untriggered we can react creatively and more effectively. This is compassion. Compassion is not about being nice. Its about offering our self interest and our triggers away and acting from understanding.

Process:

Beforehand, train the mind in meditation to be AWARE of our triggers.

In the moment,

 

• recognize that we are in pain and the pain comes from clinging to attachment.
• Pause.
• Accept all feelings as our own. Drop the fault. 
• Turn the attention from the barrage of words in the brain.
• Calm the feelings within you. These are only a reaction. There is nothing helpful that can come of this turmoil.
• Let the feelings dissipate.
• Let go into a sense of self-love. Clear the mind. Calm the heart. Release the body.
• Respond as is helpful to you and all concerned when it is time to do so.

 

Falling leaves:  This idea of letting go can be releasing into the natural flow of life. Like trees falling in space. It’s a natural and gentle expression of passing. It might make us sad, or fearful but these feelings are temporary. They are colors in the changing of times. Letting go, in its grandest sense, is accepting impermanence. Accepting impermanence is being part of the world in which we live.

Letting go is an act of openness and kindness.